For all the ladies out there remember when you where little and you played with dolls. It was when we where little that you knew that you had that mother instinct and that you cannot wait to fall in love and get married and have kids.
My dream started I found the love of my life we had a beautiful wedding on July 9, 2004. We did not realize that we would go through the trials of having kids but this was our trial we never prevented this from happening no birth control was being taken we decided that we are ready to have a family.
The second year of being married I was diagnosed with endometriosis I went in for a laproscopy and have had a total of two surgeries done. I had a scare with my first one with endometriosis they don't know if that is what I really had we signed over that if when the surgeon gets started with surgery and if it is worse than we hope I would have a hysterectomy.
Thank goodness this did not happen I had a couple of chocolate cysts on my right ovary. I read up on endometrosis and heard that if you get the laproscopic that usually right after you can get pregnant this never happened for us.
After a couple of years going by and doing failed attempts of IUI and clomid. I was ready to be done with fertility treatments.
My dreams where no longer to have kids I told Jason lets move and go to Hawaii where it is only us and the only thing we can see having babies are the whales and dolphins.
I live in Utah so every time you go to the local grocery store you are in line with pregnant women when you cannot get pregnant you do not want to participate in others happiness well I didn't I think this is the denial stage that I started to go through the withdraw stage.
If anyone I knew got pregnant I would throw away the invitation and cry. When others that I knew got pregnant and we all where trying at the same time I would just cry when others had the positive sign and I was still negative.
It is like getting a F in a class but your friend received an A you didn't want to admit that you could not do it.
Withdraw and bitterness set in I went through this stage for quite awhile I did not like when others said I understand. How can you understand when you can have kids. All I wanted is someone to listen not understand.
This is hard on a marriage you get married thinking that it will all work out that you will be able to have kids if wanted whenever you wanted well at least when you where a teenager your mom and dad scared you to death that when you have sex you will get pregnant.When you get married trials will test your marriage I never wish on anyone that infertility will be the trial that you have to go through.
It has been ups and downs but in the last two years I realized my husband does understand he is going through this with me he is the rock that I lean on he is the one that wipes my tears he is the arms that I run to when all I want to do is lock myself in a room. He is my eternal companion.
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